Falling for you

23rd Feb 2013

Somethings changing
And that somethings good
I want you around
And maybe I should

Youre complex and creative
A real fine mystery
But youre caring and youre kind
And at one with my mind

So lets learn to love
Learn to figure it out
Yes, lets discover what lifes really about

Because I love you
And I think you love me
So come on darling, lets see what we can be

xx

My Italian Romance

I met my Italian through a chance encounter. A last minute city break was in order and Florence happened to have the cheapest flights. It was out of season and bitterly cold so to seek solace we headed to an Irish bar. My Italian has since told me he tried speaking to me as soon as I walked in, but I do not recall this. The first time I saw him was when he asked to join our table.

We spent the rest of the evening laughing together and having a lot of fun. He called the next day to ask me for dinner. Whilst I refused dinner (I couldn't leave my friend alone) I agreed to join him and his friends for drinks. Another fun filled night followed and I left Florence happy to have met him.

Little did I know at that point that this was just the beginning. My Italian kept in touch and within 2 weeks he had booked his flight to visit me in London. It was a very romantic gesture and although I was apprehensive about spending the weekend together I needn't have worried.

Although he was 10 years older than me, my Italian and I had a lot in common and spent hours talking about our lives and over the months that followed developed a close bond. We'd save our money for flights to see each other. I loved the Italian lifestyle - we took road trips to Italian villages, drank red wine and enjoyed each other.

The last time I saw him was in London. Saying bye this time felt different. I was worried I was beginning to fall for him. Longer term we knew we were incompatible. He was happy to be the eternal bachelor whilst I wanted marriage and children. We ended it amicably before we got in too deep.

Although he wasn't my happily ever after, he was most certainly an unforgettable chapter and I'm still happy to have his friendship in my life.

The past 20 months

I've not written for awhile. It's been a crazy 20 months. Here is a summary (although things are a little blurred):

End of 2011

• Went back to work after being signed off for 3 months
• Dads health started to worsen

2012

• Went to Florence and met an Italian man who I then dated long distance for 8 months
• Went interailing around Europe with sister
• Nan passed whilst we were in Prague
• Dad passed the evening I returned from Europe
• Started a new job at work
• Became joint carer for Mum and now have flexible working arrangements
• Was a bridesmaid at best friends wedding
• Moved into shared flat (1/2 time as 1/2 at home)
• 1st baby of close friendship group born
• Met current boyfriend
• Had Christmas abroad

2013 so far

• Went to Verona and Venice
• Went to Madrid
• Mum suicidal 
• Still with boyfriend
• Still working flexibly
• Still splitting time between flat/home

I'll write about some of these things separately but an overview of why I've not been able to write much. It's been a roller coaster.

Back without a bang.

"Go ahead, push your luck

Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reigned my soul in tight

Well the whole truth
Is like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And when I chose to live
There was no joy - it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them

Growing up, my Mom had a room full of books
And hid away in there
Her father raging down a spiral stair
'Til he found someone
Most days his son

And sometimes I think
My father, too, was a refugee
I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for

But now I'm sleeping fine
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance
I am the daughter of a great romance
And they are the children of the war

Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you've got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it'll push right back
And there are worse things than that

'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all"


Dar Williams ~ After All. Sums it up perfectly.

Stormy Weathers

Like a big dark cloud it looms over me, masking the sunshine
There is no escape
I know it's coming
At best I'll find an umbrella, and wait for it to pass.

Stiffled

Work and everyone else are encouraging me not to hand in my notice until I am "well enough".... it seems that "the new chapter" is on pause.

A lesson learned - The Journey is the Reward

I heard something today that struck a cord. It was around the idea that goal setting like anything else can become destructive if not used in the correct way as subconsciously alongside setting a goal comes the expectation that the goal will equate to happiness.

This concept rang very true to me. So many times I've said "it'll be better when" or "it'll be OK if I just" or "Once I've completed xyz" and I could go on. I have set goal upon goal of where I want to be, who I want to be and have even put time frames on it. You'll even find an earlier post dedicated to some of my goals! 

The question I am now asking myself is, if I have been so busy focussing on the future how could I have had time to focus on the present?! I have been constantly looking forward and striving to better myself. Whilst I still believe it is important to set goals (I cant change overnight!), once again I am realising that I have been negating to strike a balance, in this case between the present and the future. 

I'm feeling like the common theme emerging from my thoughts is balance.... just trying to work out to to reach that.