New chapter

So that it. I've taken the plunge and quit my job. Scary stuff. Even more so as I don't have another job to go to... brave? Stupid? We shall see. All I know is that something needed to change and that my life was running away with me at a faster pace than I could cope with. 

I always had a plan. I wanted to be the director of the department. If I had continued to the standard I had set myself I am confident that I could have achieved this by the time I was mid 30's. That to me then was success. But not now.

During the last year I have continuously pushed myself. I've worked 60+ hours per week, covering three roles and have been exhausted at the end of it. I have cancelled plans to see friends, instead staying behind to finish off work.... often. I've lost money by signing up to classes and courses that I can never complete and thought about work constantly. Slowly I began to feel like I had lost the essence of me. 

The last few months have been the worst. I'd wake up crying unable to face the day. I'd force myself out of bed to take the miserable tube journey to the 'soulless city'. I'd see carriages full of tired unhappy faces on my way in and the seemingly the same tired, unhappy faces on the way home. It was draining. The work was demanding but even more so as I pressurised myself in the high performance culture to the 'the best'. I'd come home in tears from both tiredness and the feeling of emptiness. 

This cycle continued for months until one day I could take no more. I couldn't go in. I had no more to give. I was a mess. The doctor diagnosed depression and I was signed off. Something that was previously unimaginable to me. 

It's been a tough month. The feeling of being completely and utterly lost is at times exasperating. There's no more plan. No more direction. No more work to disguise everything else that I need to work on. Its honestly frightening.

I realised that I needed to change my life in order to find myself again. I remembered what was important to me - family, friends, travel, helping others and decided that I need more balance. After talking it out with family and friends I have handed in my notice choosing to lose status and money for the sake of my sanity. Of course I will work and I'm not sure where this journey will take me but so it begins my new chapter - with a balanced view.

Wish me luck.