Busy head.

What goes on inside your mind

in that constant busy head

trying to ignore the voices

saying you'd be better off dead

I hope you beat your demons

as that's really all they are

by knowing how much we love you

and that you've already come so far.

xxx

Lyrics I love

I wish I was your favourite girl. I wish you thought I was the reason you were in the world.

What's going on in that beautiful mind? I'm on your magical carpet ride

You'll be my sunny day, I'll be your shade tree

I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand

I ain't looking for praise or pity, I ain't come around searching for a crutch. I just want someone to talk to, and a little of that human touch

your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me

The quiet scares me coz it screams the truth

I know you get me so I let my walls come down. Before you met me I was alright but things were kind of heavy you brought me to life now every February you'll be my valentine

Wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself but I didnt know I was lost

Are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

Is it to late to remind you of how we were? No our last days of silent screaming blur

It's so clear now that you are all that I have. I have no fear coz you are all that I have.

For you

A man of courage, a man of strength
A man with a brilliant mind
A heart of gold and a passionate soul
makes you one of a kind

I know you are the one for me
you're all that I desire
I feel our love throughout my being
it really lifts me higher

I hope you feel the same about me
and that our love grows all the time
I know that together we'll achieve our dreams
please forever be mine

xxx

New Year Relationship reflection

The nearing of a new year
is a good time to reflect
so I wanted to put down in words
why you are the best

Youre oh so very romantic
giving poems, gifts and flowers
and when you brought me the moon and stars
I could have danced with you for hours

We have amazing chemistry
I fancy you so much
glad we have an equal sex drive
you give me such a rush

Passion burns so very bright
in all you say and do
I believe in you 100%
I hope you know thats true

We have a lot of fun
When we're relaxed and full of joy
spending quality time with you
is the thing I best enjoy

I love you truly with all my heart
but I knew I did right from the start
here is to our next year together
my one true love, my always and forever.

1 year in

Written Oct 2013

You've become a part of me
a part that's deep and true
whilst there have been others before
this kind of love is new

Our kind of loves accepting
it's caring and it's kind
it's passionate and fulfilling
it's a love that's hard to find

I enjoy being around you
miss you when youre not here
as you really are my fav
I always want you near

xxx

Falling for you

23rd Feb 2013

Somethings changing
And that somethings good
I want you around
And maybe I should

Youre complex and creative
A real fine mystery
But youre caring and youre kind
And at one with my mind

So lets learn to love
Learn to figure it out
Yes, lets discover what lifes really about

Because I love you
And I think you love me
So come on darling, lets see what we can be

xx

My Italian Romance

I met my Italian through a chance encounter. A last minute city break was in order and Florence happened to have the cheapest flights. It was out of season and bitterly cold so to seek solace we headed to an Irish bar. My Italian has since told me he tried speaking to me as soon as I walked in, but I do not recall this. The first time I saw him was when he asked to join our table.

We spent the rest of the evening laughing together and having a lot of fun. He called the next day to ask me for dinner. Whilst I refused dinner (I couldn't leave my friend alone) I agreed to join him and his friends for drinks. Another fun filled night followed and I left Florence happy to have met him.

Little did I know at that point that this was just the beginning. My Italian kept in touch and within 2 weeks he had booked his flight to visit me in London. It was a very romantic gesture and although I was apprehensive about spending the weekend together I needn't have worried.

Although he was 10 years older than me, my Italian and I had a lot in common and spent hours talking about our lives and over the months that followed developed a close bond. We'd save our money for flights to see each other. I loved the Italian lifestyle - we took road trips to Italian villages, drank red wine and enjoyed each other.

The last time I saw him was in London. Saying bye this time felt different. I was worried I was beginning to fall for him. Longer term we knew we were incompatible. He was happy to be the eternal bachelor whilst I wanted marriage and children. We ended it amicably before we got in too deep.

Although he wasn't my happily ever after, he was most certainly an unforgettable chapter and I'm still happy to have his friendship in my life.

The past 20 months

I've not written for awhile. It's been a crazy 20 months. Here is a summary (although things are a little blurred):

End of 2011

• Went back to work after being signed off for 3 months
• Dads health started to worsen

2012

• Went to Florence and met an Italian man who I then dated long distance for 8 months
• Went interailing around Europe with sister
• Nan passed whilst we were in Prague
• Dad passed the evening I returned from Europe
• Started a new job at work
• Became joint carer for Mum and now have flexible working arrangements
• Was a bridesmaid at best friends wedding
• Moved into shared flat (1/2 time as 1/2 at home)
• 1st baby of close friendship group born
• Met current boyfriend
• Had Christmas abroad

2013 so far

• Went to Verona and Venice
• Went to Madrid
• Mum suicidal 
• Still with boyfriend
• Still working flexibly
• Still splitting time between flat/home

I'll write about some of these things separately but an overview of why I've not been able to write much. It's been a roller coaster.

Back without a bang.

"Go ahead, push your luck

Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reigned my soul in tight

Well the whole truth
Is like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And when I chose to live
There was no joy - it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them

Growing up, my Mom had a room full of books
And hid away in there
Her father raging down a spiral stair
'Til he found someone
Most days his son

And sometimes I think
My father, too, was a refugee
I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for

But now I'm sleeping fine
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance
I am the daughter of a great romance
And they are the children of the war

Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you've got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it'll push right back
And there are worse things than that

'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all"


Dar Williams ~ After All. Sums it up perfectly.

Stormy Weathers

Like a big dark cloud it looms over me, masking the sunshine
There is no escape
I know it's coming
At best I'll find an umbrella, and wait for it to pass.

Stiffled

Work and everyone else are encouraging me not to hand in my notice until I am "well enough".... it seems that "the new chapter" is on pause.

A lesson learned - The Journey is the Reward

I heard something today that struck a cord. It was around the idea that goal setting like anything else can become destructive if not used in the correct way as subconsciously alongside setting a goal comes the expectation that the goal will equate to happiness.

This concept rang very true to me. So many times I've said "it'll be better when" or "it'll be OK if I just" or "Once I've completed xyz" and I could go on. I have set goal upon goal of where I want to be, who I want to be and have even put time frames on it. You'll even find an earlier post dedicated to some of my goals! 

The question I am now asking myself is, if I have been so busy focussing on the future how could I have had time to focus on the present?! I have been constantly looking forward and striving to better myself. Whilst I still believe it is important to set goals (I cant change overnight!), once again I am realising that I have been negating to strike a balance, in this case between the present and the future. 

I'm feeling like the common theme emerging from my thoughts is balance.... just trying to work out to to reach that.

Untitled.

I am at the bottom of a dark damp hole
Dark from my thoughts, damp from my tears

In the distance I see a stream of light
I will claw my way into the light once again.

New chapter

So that it. I've taken the plunge and quit my job. Scary stuff. Even more so as I don't have another job to go to... brave? Stupid? We shall see. All I know is that something needed to change and that my life was running away with me at a faster pace than I could cope with. 

I always had a plan. I wanted to be the director of the department. If I had continued to the standard I had set myself I am confident that I could have achieved this by the time I was mid 30's. That to me then was success. But not now.

During the last year I have continuously pushed myself. I've worked 60+ hours per week, covering three roles and have been exhausted at the end of it. I have cancelled plans to see friends, instead staying behind to finish off work.... often. I've lost money by signing up to classes and courses that I can never complete and thought about work constantly. Slowly I began to feel like I had lost the essence of me. 

The last few months have been the worst. I'd wake up crying unable to face the day. I'd force myself out of bed to take the miserable tube journey to the 'soulless city'. I'd see carriages full of tired unhappy faces on my way in and the seemingly the same tired, unhappy faces on the way home. It was draining. The work was demanding but even more so as I pressurised myself in the high performance culture to the 'the best'. I'd come home in tears from both tiredness and the feeling of emptiness. 

This cycle continued for months until one day I could take no more. I couldn't go in. I had no more to give. I was a mess. The doctor diagnosed depression and I was signed off. Something that was previously unimaginable to me. 

It's been a tough month. The feeling of being completely and utterly lost is at times exasperating. There's no more plan. No more direction. No more work to disguise everything else that I need to work on. Its honestly frightening.

I realised that I needed to change my life in order to find myself again. I remembered what was important to me - family, friends, travel, helping others and decided that I need more balance. After talking it out with family and friends I have handed in my notice choosing to lose status and money for the sake of my sanity. Of course I will work and I'm not sure where this journey will take me but so it begins my new chapter - with a balanced view.

Wish me luck.

The one that got away

So where to start. 'The one that got away' and I got together during our first year of university after our friendship blossomed into love. We lived together for almost 3 years and had a fantastic relationship. He was funny, smart and knew exactly how to handle me.

However things changed when we both started having full time jobs on a placement year from university. My role was based over an hour from our house whereas his was only a 10 minute drive. This meant that I was out much earlier and got back much later than him. He was excited to see me when I got home from work whereas I was tired and irritable and took it out on him. Things got worse with my mother who suffers from a mental illness took a bad turn and had to go to hospital. I was devastated especially as this was around my 21st birthday for which we had organised a big party - my mum would not be there. I was completely stressed and in hindsight a little depressed. I began to shut off from 'The one that got away' and showed little affection to him. It would be a lot for any man to take, but at 21 we were both way too young for this. Things got increasingly bad when a little later on that year 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrongs' (there is another post on him) mother passed away. I immediately went to his side as I had been close to him and his family for so long but this was not fair on 'The one that got away'. Everything was taking its toll. I hated the person I was being to 'The one that got away' and felt that I had no option but to end things before we ended up hating each other. I will never forget our breakup. It was so painful as it was circumstance that meant we could not be together at that time, not because we were no longer in love. We were both in floods of tears and it was heartbreaking but I don't think either of us grieved properly for the end of the relationship as it didn't actually feel like it was the end.

We finished our placements and went back to university for our final year. It was clear we both still had feelings for each other and still spent alot of time together. His pride was badly bruised though and I still had a lot going on with my mum so timing still wasn't right. That year I found out that my Father who I am extremely close to had cancer. This was another blow and I was a complete mess inside for the first few months trying to come to terms with it. The family business was also on a rapid decline and I felt like my entire world was upside down. 'The one that got away' was really there for me but once again I went into autopilot and shut him out dealing with things the only way I know how, on my own.

Since graduating from university several years ago we have been in frequent contact and have spent the night together a number of times. Whilst both of us have dated casually, neither of us has had someone we would call a boyfriend or girlfriend, however that changed when I went away at the beginning of this year.

I last spent the night with 'The one that got away' before Christmas. It was a wonderful time but unfortunately we had got into the habit of not talking about our feelings. I then went travelling for a few months and when I returned I could tell things were different. He was acting strangely and I immediately knew he had met someone.

Initially I was fine about this, I had had fun whilst being away and couldn't expect him not to be with someone else so long after we were together. However, my feelings changed when he decided to confess that 'she was no me', that he had feelings for me and that he felt sad. This came as a massive shock but made me realise that I had feelings for him too. We spent a week talking about everything with him admitting that I had hurt him and me apologising for the way I was back then. I explained we had both changed since last being together but that I was willing to stop dating other people and make a go of it if he was.

'The one that got away' and I had our biggest ever argument at the end of that week when he decided that we should try and move on and not make a go of it for now. I was furious. I had been moving on and would have accepted he was with someone else if he had not confessed his feelings for me. We didn't speak for several weeks as I was really hurt and upset with him. Eventually we agreed to met in an attempt to be friends. We had a drink and talked things through but the chemistry was electric.

Since then I have tried to keep my distance. I do want him to be happy and it is not fair on his girlfriend but I am finding it really hard. I feel like I am going through a breakup which is just ridiculous but it feels strange without him and I miss him alot. He says he is finding it hard too but thinks its for the best for now - I just don't understand who for.

So that's where I am up to with 'The one that got away'. Maybe our story will end here, maybe it wont. I just really don't know.....

An Egg - 2002

I have a hard shell but a soft centre
Like an egg.

I appear hard, and I am hard when boiled
But remember I am fragile

The more you tap, the more I crack
I can break at any moment.

Military Man

I met Military Man in Australia at the end of January this year after climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. He had been in my group for the climb but as it was done in single file it wasn't until my friends were buying pictures and he appeared on screen that I noticed him. My friends were taking awhile to decide what pictures to buy so I went outside to wait. Military man was there with another guy and shortly came over to talk to me. He asked what my plans were and so getting into the travelling spirit I invited both Military Man and the guy he was with to have dinner with my friends and I.

The other guy already had arrangements so headed off but Military Man took up the invitation and together with my 2 friends we went to a 24 hour diner called 'pancake on the rocks' to grab some food and celebratory drinks. I was enthralled by Military Man immediately. He was American (and I LOVE an American accent), gorgeous, really interesting and chatty. Even though I have dated several men since 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' (see 'the first cut is the deepest' blog for detail), I hadn't found a man who I was really interested in in terms of both body and mind so this was a big deal and I was excited. Those feelings I had forgotten existed were back in action. Yes, yes, yes!

After the restaurant Military Man and I walked behind my two friends and continued talking. We discovered that we would both be in Auckland, New Zealand at the same time and he asked for my contact details so that we could meet up. There was about a week in between meeting Military Man and us meeting again in Auckland but we were in constant contact. I couldn't wait to see him again.

I was going to New Zealand alone so meeting up with Military Man was the perfect way to start my NZ adventure. He was exactly how I remembered and we fell into conversation quickly and easily. We went to the Auckland Sky tower and had coffee whilst looking at the views. Our conversation flitted between laughter and jokes to the kind of conversation I would normally only have once I really know someone. Three hours had passed before we knew it. Military Man asked if he could take me for dinner and I of course agreed. We wandered down by the harbour and found a lovely little restaurant over looking the water. I felt really happy to be with him. The entire time Military Man was a proper gentleman; pulling my chair out, holding open the door and very kindly paying for dinner whilst I was in the bathroom. I felt myself smiling on the inside and out but I was gutted that the day was ending and that Military Man was leaving in the morning to head back to Iraq. He had only been away on 2 weeks leave and still had at least another 6-8 weeks in Iraq before being able to return to the U.S.

We talked for hours after dinner and shared photos and stories of our families and lives back home. It felt really natural and I was having a fantastic time. As were were saying our goodbyes Military Man gave me his compass that he had been wearing on his watch. He told me that it was special to him as it had got him through a lot this past year, but that he wanted me to have it as a reminder of our short but sweet time together. I was very touched and told him so before kissing him and walking away. Then one of those incredible overwhelming moments happened where it seems that nature is connecting with your mood and what is happening to you. It started raining and when I say raining, I mean it poured down. My last memory of that night is us both walking our separate ways, in the rain and turning back round to look at each other every few moments until he faded out of sight.

Friends have asked if things will continue with us now that we are back to our own realities in different countries. There were never any promises (it was only really one date after all!) and we do have completely different lives many miles apart, but it was an amazing day and one that I will never forget. Military Man is always very welcome to visit London and if he does then we shall see what happens but for now he and our time together will remain in my happy memory bank and will serve as a reminder to myself that I can and do still have those feelings that for awhile I thought may never reappear again.

Finding happiness in 'common things'

I agree to a certain extent, that as quoted in a previous post, "the art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things" - Henry Ward Beecher

Here are some 'common things' that make me happy in no particular order.

1. My family
2. My friends
3. Love
4. Visiting somewhere new
5. Travel
6. Good conversation
7. Completing one of my goals
8. Sunshine
9. The Ocean
10. New experiences
11. Singing as loudly as possible
12. Helping someone to reach their goal
13. Crazy dancing
14. Iced Coffee
15. Reading a motivational quote or inspiring article.
16. Seeing a flower growing amongst the weeds.
17. A baby giggling
18. Children playing together
19. Praise
20. Cuddles
21. Kisses
22. Good Sex
23. A sunny but cold and crisp morning - the best kind of British weather in my opinion.
24. Going for a walk on a sunny but cold and crisp morning
25. Wine
26. Musicals
27. Looking at old photos
28. Reading a good book
29. Other people laughing
30. An unexpected letter or email.
31. A thoughtful letter or email.
32. When its raining outside and its OK to have a lazy day.
33. Meeting someone I feel a connection with.
34. Completing my 'to do' list at work.
35. Being on a boat.
36. Getting a seat on the train to work.
37. Finding money in my coat pocket that I'd forgotten was there.
38. Comments on this blog (so far).
39. When my flat is freshly tidied.
40. Planning an event big or small
41. Popping bubble wrap
42. Watching the sunrise
43. Watching the sunset
44. A decent cup of tea when I am cold.
45. Waking up to a nice text message.
46. Having my arm or face stroked
47. Being left a post it note with a cute message.
48. Watching a romantic comedy
49. Having a drink in a beer garden on a sunny day
50. Music with lyrics I can relate to
51. Walking bare foot on grass
52. Seeing old couples in love
53. Seeing random acts of kindness
54. Witnessing others reach a goal
55. Live music
56. Meditation
57. Making a difference to someone else e.g. charity event etc
58. Remembering the balance
59. Brightly coloured flowers
60. Watching an uplifting musical or film

I'll add things here as I find more daily things that make me happy. You are very welcome to share the 'common things' that make you happy here or maybe its just something to reflect on.

Gratitude

Here are some of the things am grateful for.

I am grateful that I have such a loving and supporting family
I am grateful that I have always had such a strong network of friends
I am grateful that I am able to tell my family and friends that I love them.
I am grateful that I have a career that I am passionate about.
I am grateful that I have a flat in an area I feel safe and happy in.
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to travel.
I am grateful for my education and that I have a 2:1 degree.
I am grateful that I am healthy.
I am grateful that I am loved.


"Most people are searching for happiness. They're looking for it. They are trying to find it in someone or something outside of themselves. That is a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think" - Wayne Dyer


"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things" - Henry Ward Beecher

Snowballs - 2001

A poem I wrote after a friends sister died in an toboggan accident during a skiing trip I was on.


Life throws something at her everyday, like a snowball
Mostly its soft snow, something to enjoy
But sometimes unexpectedly the snow is not snow
The snow is ice
It hits her hard, it hurts, its a shock
Like a slap across the face and an end to the fun..

But who can she blame?
How to react?
Should she lash out? Maybe throw one back?

But she cant

There is too much pain from the sting
She bathes the sting, the mark fades away
But somehow the snowballs are not so much fun anymore.