Back without a bang.

"Go ahead, push your luck

Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reigned my soul in tight

Well the whole truth
Is like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And when I chose to live
There was no joy - it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them

Growing up, my Mom had a room full of books
And hid away in there
Her father raging down a spiral stair
'Til he found someone
Most days his son

And sometimes I think
My father, too, was a refugee
I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for

But now I'm sleeping fine
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance
I am the daughter of a great romance
And they are the children of the war

Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you've got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it'll push right back
And there are worse things than that

'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all"


Dar Williams ~ After All. Sums it up perfectly.

Stormy Weathers

Like a big dark cloud it looms over me, masking the sunshine
There is no escape
I know it's coming
At best I'll find an umbrella, and wait for it to pass.

Stiffled

Work and everyone else are encouraging me not to hand in my notice until I am "well enough".... it seems that "the new chapter" is on pause.

A lesson learned - The Journey is the Reward

I heard something today that struck a cord. It was around the idea that goal setting like anything else can become destructive if not used in the correct way as subconsciously alongside setting a goal comes the expectation that the goal will equate to happiness.

This concept rang very true to me. So many times I've said "it'll be better when" or "it'll be OK if I just" or "Once I've completed xyz" and I could go on. I have set goal upon goal of where I want to be, who I want to be and have even put time frames on it. You'll even find an earlier post dedicated to some of my goals! 

The question I am now asking myself is, if I have been so busy focussing on the future how could I have had time to focus on the present?! I have been constantly looking forward and striving to better myself. Whilst I still believe it is important to set goals (I cant change overnight!), once again I am realising that I have been negating to strike a balance, in this case between the present and the future. 

I'm feeling like the common theme emerging from my thoughts is balance.... just trying to work out to to reach that.

Untitled.

I am at the bottom of a dark damp hole
Dark from my thoughts, damp from my tears

In the distance I see a stream of light
I will claw my way into the light once again.

New chapter

So that it. I've taken the plunge and quit my job. Scary stuff. Even more so as I don't have another job to go to... brave? Stupid? We shall see. All I know is that something needed to change and that my life was running away with me at a faster pace than I could cope with. 

I always had a plan. I wanted to be the director of the department. If I had continued to the standard I had set myself I am confident that I could have achieved this by the time I was mid 30's. That to me then was success. But not now.

During the last year I have continuously pushed myself. I've worked 60+ hours per week, covering three roles and have been exhausted at the end of it. I have cancelled plans to see friends, instead staying behind to finish off work.... often. I've lost money by signing up to classes and courses that I can never complete and thought about work constantly. Slowly I began to feel like I had lost the essence of me. 

The last few months have been the worst. I'd wake up crying unable to face the day. I'd force myself out of bed to take the miserable tube journey to the 'soulless city'. I'd see carriages full of tired unhappy faces on my way in and the seemingly the same tired, unhappy faces on the way home. It was draining. The work was demanding but even more so as I pressurised myself in the high performance culture to the 'the best'. I'd come home in tears from both tiredness and the feeling of emptiness. 

This cycle continued for months until one day I could take no more. I couldn't go in. I had no more to give. I was a mess. The doctor diagnosed depression and I was signed off. Something that was previously unimaginable to me. 

It's been a tough month. The feeling of being completely and utterly lost is at times exasperating. There's no more plan. No more direction. No more work to disguise everything else that I need to work on. Its honestly frightening.

I realised that I needed to change my life in order to find myself again. I remembered what was important to me - family, friends, travel, helping others and decided that I need more balance. After talking it out with family and friends I have handed in my notice choosing to lose status and money for the sake of my sanity. Of course I will work and I'm not sure where this journey will take me but so it begins my new chapter - with a balanced view.

Wish me luck.

The one that got away

So where to start. 'The one that got away' and I got together during our first year of university after our friendship blossomed into love. We lived together for almost 3 years and had a fantastic relationship. He was funny, smart and knew exactly how to handle me.

However things changed when we both started having full time jobs on a placement year from university. My role was based over an hour from our house whereas his was only a 10 minute drive. This meant that I was out much earlier and got back much later than him. He was excited to see me when I got home from work whereas I was tired and irritable and took it out on him. Things got worse with my mother who suffers from a mental illness took a bad turn and had to go to hospital. I was devastated especially as this was around my 21st birthday for which we had organised a big party - my mum would not be there. I was completely stressed and in hindsight a little depressed. I began to shut off from 'The one that got away' and showed little affection to him. It would be a lot for any man to take, but at 21 we were both way too young for this. Things got increasingly bad when a little later on that year 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrongs' (there is another post on him) mother passed away. I immediately went to his side as I had been close to him and his family for so long but this was not fair on 'The one that got away'. Everything was taking its toll. I hated the person I was being to 'The one that got away' and felt that I had no option but to end things before we ended up hating each other. I will never forget our breakup. It was so painful as it was circumstance that meant we could not be together at that time, not because we were no longer in love. We were both in floods of tears and it was heartbreaking but I don't think either of us grieved properly for the end of the relationship as it didn't actually feel like it was the end.

We finished our placements and went back to university for our final year. It was clear we both still had feelings for each other and still spent alot of time together. His pride was badly bruised though and I still had a lot going on with my mum so timing still wasn't right. That year I found out that my Father who I am extremely close to had cancer. This was another blow and I was a complete mess inside for the first few months trying to come to terms with it. The family business was also on a rapid decline and I felt like my entire world was upside down. 'The one that got away' was really there for me but once again I went into autopilot and shut him out dealing with things the only way I know how, on my own.

Since graduating from university several years ago we have been in frequent contact and have spent the night together a number of times. Whilst both of us have dated casually, neither of us has had someone we would call a boyfriend or girlfriend, however that changed when I went away at the beginning of this year.

I last spent the night with 'The one that got away' before Christmas. It was a wonderful time but unfortunately we had got into the habit of not talking about our feelings. I then went travelling for a few months and when I returned I could tell things were different. He was acting strangely and I immediately knew he had met someone.

Initially I was fine about this, I had had fun whilst being away and couldn't expect him not to be with someone else so long after we were together. However, my feelings changed when he decided to confess that 'she was no me', that he had feelings for me and that he felt sad. This came as a massive shock but made me realise that I had feelings for him too. We spent a week talking about everything with him admitting that I had hurt him and me apologising for the way I was back then. I explained we had both changed since last being together but that I was willing to stop dating other people and make a go of it if he was.

'The one that got away' and I had our biggest ever argument at the end of that week when he decided that we should try and move on and not make a go of it for now. I was furious. I had been moving on and would have accepted he was with someone else if he had not confessed his feelings for me. We didn't speak for several weeks as I was really hurt and upset with him. Eventually we agreed to met in an attempt to be friends. We had a drink and talked things through but the chemistry was electric.

Since then I have tried to keep my distance. I do want him to be happy and it is not fair on his girlfriend but I am finding it really hard. I feel like I am going through a breakup which is just ridiculous but it feels strange without him and I miss him alot. He says he is finding it hard too but thinks its for the best for now - I just don't understand who for.

So that's where I am up to with 'The one that got away'. Maybe our story will end here, maybe it wont. I just really don't know.....