Stormy Weathers

Like a big dark cloud it looms over me, masking the sunshine
There is no escape
I know it's coming
At best I'll find an umbrella, and wait for it to pass.

Stiffled

Work and everyone else are encouraging me not to hand in my notice until I am "well enough".... it seems that "the new chapter" is on pause.

A lesson learned - The Journey is the Reward

I heard something today that struck a cord. It was around the idea that goal setting like anything else can become destructive if not used in the correct way as subconsciously alongside setting a goal comes the expectation that the goal will equate to happiness.

This concept rang very true to me. So many times I've said "it'll be better when" or "it'll be OK if I just" or "Once I've completed xyz" and I could go on. I have set goal upon goal of where I want to be, who I want to be and have even put time frames on it. You'll even find an earlier post dedicated to some of my goals! 

The question I am now asking myself is, if I have been so busy focussing on the future how could I have had time to focus on the present?! I have been constantly looking forward and striving to better myself. Whilst I still believe it is important to set goals (I cant change overnight!), once again I am realising that I have been negating to strike a balance, in this case between the present and the future. 

I'm feeling like the common theme emerging from my thoughts is balance.... just trying to work out to to reach that.

Untitled.

I am at the bottom of a dark damp hole
Dark from my thoughts, damp from my tears

In the distance I see a stream of light
I will claw my way into the light once again.

New chapter

So that it. I've taken the plunge and quit my job. Scary stuff. Even more so as I don't have another job to go to... brave? Stupid? We shall see. All I know is that something needed to change and that my life was running away with me at a faster pace than I could cope with. 

I always had a plan. I wanted to be the director of the department. If I had continued to the standard I had set myself I am confident that I could have achieved this by the time I was mid 30's. That to me then was success. But not now.

During the last year I have continuously pushed myself. I've worked 60+ hours per week, covering three roles and have been exhausted at the end of it. I have cancelled plans to see friends, instead staying behind to finish off work.... often. I've lost money by signing up to classes and courses that I can never complete and thought about work constantly. Slowly I began to feel like I had lost the essence of me. 

The last few months have been the worst. I'd wake up crying unable to face the day. I'd force myself out of bed to take the miserable tube journey to the 'soulless city'. I'd see carriages full of tired unhappy faces on my way in and the seemingly the same tired, unhappy faces on the way home. It was draining. The work was demanding but even more so as I pressurised myself in the high performance culture to the 'the best'. I'd come home in tears from both tiredness and the feeling of emptiness. 

This cycle continued for months until one day I could take no more. I couldn't go in. I had no more to give. I was a mess. The doctor diagnosed depression and I was signed off. Something that was previously unimaginable to me. 

It's been a tough month. The feeling of being completely and utterly lost is at times exasperating. There's no more plan. No more direction. No more work to disguise everything else that I need to work on. Its honestly frightening.

I realised that I needed to change my life in order to find myself again. I remembered what was important to me - family, friends, travel, helping others and decided that I need more balance. After talking it out with family and friends I have handed in my notice choosing to lose status and money for the sake of my sanity. Of course I will work and I'm not sure where this journey will take me but so it begins my new chapter - with a balanced view.

Wish me luck.