The one that got away

So where to start. 'The one that got away' and I got together during our first year of university after our friendship blossomed into love. We lived together for almost 3 years and had a fantastic relationship. He was funny, smart and knew exactly how to handle me.

However things changed when we both started having full time jobs on a placement year from university. My role was based over an hour from our house whereas his was only a 10 minute drive. This meant that I was out much earlier and got back much later than him. He was excited to see me when I got home from work whereas I was tired and irritable and took it out on him. Things got worse with my mother who suffers from a mental illness took a bad turn and had to go to hospital. I was devastated especially as this was around my 21st birthday for which we had organised a big party - my mum would not be there. I was completely stressed and in hindsight a little depressed. I began to shut off from 'The one that got away' and showed little affection to him. It would be a lot for any man to take, but at 21 we were both way too young for this. Things got increasingly bad when a little later on that year 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrongs' (there is another post on him) mother passed away. I immediately went to his side as I had been close to him and his family for so long but this was not fair on 'The one that got away'. Everything was taking its toll. I hated the person I was being to 'The one that got away' and felt that I had no option but to end things before we ended up hating each other. I will never forget our breakup. It was so painful as it was circumstance that meant we could not be together at that time, not because we were no longer in love. We were both in floods of tears and it was heartbreaking but I don't think either of us grieved properly for the end of the relationship as it didn't actually feel like it was the end.

We finished our placements and went back to university for our final year. It was clear we both still had feelings for each other and still spent alot of time together. His pride was badly bruised though and I still had a lot going on with my mum so timing still wasn't right. That year I found out that my Father who I am extremely close to had cancer. This was another blow and I was a complete mess inside for the first few months trying to come to terms with it. The family business was also on a rapid decline and I felt like my entire world was upside down. 'The one that got away' was really there for me but once again I went into autopilot and shut him out dealing with things the only way I know how, on my own.

Since graduating from university several years ago we have been in frequent contact and have spent the night together a number of times. Whilst both of us have dated casually, neither of us has had someone we would call a boyfriend or girlfriend, however that changed when I went away at the beginning of this year.

I last spent the night with 'The one that got away' before Christmas. It was a wonderful time but unfortunately we had got into the habit of not talking about our feelings. I then went travelling for a few months and when I returned I could tell things were different. He was acting strangely and I immediately knew he had met someone.

Initially I was fine about this, I had had fun whilst being away and couldn't expect him not to be with someone else so long after we were together. However, my feelings changed when he decided to confess that 'she was no me', that he had feelings for me and that he felt sad. This came as a massive shock but made me realise that I had feelings for him too. We spent a week talking about everything with him admitting that I had hurt him and me apologising for the way I was back then. I explained we had both changed since last being together but that I was willing to stop dating other people and make a go of it if he was.

'The one that got away' and I had our biggest ever argument at the end of that week when he decided that we should try and move on and not make a go of it for now. I was furious. I had been moving on and would have accepted he was with someone else if he had not confessed his feelings for me. We didn't speak for several weeks as I was really hurt and upset with him. Eventually we agreed to met in an attempt to be friends. We had a drink and talked things through but the chemistry was electric.

Since then I have tried to keep my distance. I do want him to be happy and it is not fair on his girlfriend but I am finding it really hard. I feel like I am going through a breakup which is just ridiculous but it feels strange without him and I miss him alot. He says he is finding it hard too but thinks its for the best for now - I just don't understand who for.

So that's where I am up to with 'The one that got away'. Maybe our story will end here, maybe it wont. I just really don't know.....

An Egg - 2002

I have a hard shell but a soft centre
Like an egg.

I appear hard, and I am hard when boiled
But remember I am fragile

The more you tap, the more I crack
I can break at any moment.

Military Man

I met Military Man in Australia at the end of January this year after climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. He had been in my group for the climb but as it was done in single file it wasn't until my friends were buying pictures and he appeared on screen that I noticed him. My friends were taking awhile to decide what pictures to buy so I went outside to wait. Military man was there with another guy and shortly came over to talk to me. He asked what my plans were and so getting into the travelling spirit I invited both Military Man and the guy he was with to have dinner with my friends and I.

The other guy already had arrangements so headed off but Military Man took up the invitation and together with my 2 friends we went to a 24 hour diner called 'pancake on the rocks' to grab some food and celebratory drinks. I was enthralled by Military Man immediately. He was American (and I LOVE an American accent), gorgeous, really interesting and chatty. Even though I have dated several men since 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' (see 'the first cut is the deepest' blog for detail), I hadn't found a man who I was really interested in in terms of both body and mind so this was a big deal and I was excited. Those feelings I had forgotten existed were back in action. Yes, yes, yes!

After the restaurant Military Man and I walked behind my two friends and continued talking. We discovered that we would both be in Auckland, New Zealand at the same time and he asked for my contact details so that we could meet up. There was about a week in between meeting Military Man and us meeting again in Auckland but we were in constant contact. I couldn't wait to see him again.

I was going to New Zealand alone so meeting up with Military Man was the perfect way to start my NZ adventure. He was exactly how I remembered and we fell into conversation quickly and easily. We went to the Auckland Sky tower and had coffee whilst looking at the views. Our conversation flitted between laughter and jokes to the kind of conversation I would normally only have once I really know someone. Three hours had passed before we knew it. Military Man asked if he could take me for dinner and I of course agreed. We wandered down by the harbour and found a lovely little restaurant over looking the water. I felt really happy to be with him. The entire time Military Man was a proper gentleman; pulling my chair out, holding open the door and very kindly paying for dinner whilst I was in the bathroom. I felt myself smiling on the inside and out but I was gutted that the day was ending and that Military Man was leaving in the morning to head back to Iraq. He had only been away on 2 weeks leave and still had at least another 6-8 weeks in Iraq before being able to return to the U.S.

We talked for hours after dinner and shared photos and stories of our families and lives back home. It felt really natural and I was having a fantastic time. As were were saying our goodbyes Military Man gave me his compass that he had been wearing on his watch. He told me that it was special to him as it had got him through a lot this past year, but that he wanted me to have it as a reminder of our short but sweet time together. I was very touched and told him so before kissing him and walking away. Then one of those incredible overwhelming moments happened where it seems that nature is connecting with your mood and what is happening to you. It started raining and when I say raining, I mean it poured down. My last memory of that night is us both walking our separate ways, in the rain and turning back round to look at each other every few moments until he faded out of sight.

Friends have asked if things will continue with us now that we are back to our own realities in different countries. There were never any promises (it was only really one date after all!) and we do have completely different lives many miles apart, but it was an amazing day and one that I will never forget. Military Man is always very welcome to visit London and if he does then we shall see what happens but for now he and our time together will remain in my happy memory bank and will serve as a reminder to myself that I can and do still have those feelings that for awhile I thought may never reappear again.

Finding happiness in 'common things'

I agree to a certain extent, that as quoted in a previous post, "the art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things" - Henry Ward Beecher

Here are some 'common things' that make me happy in no particular order.

1. My family
2. My friends
3. Love
4. Visiting somewhere new
5. Travel
6. Good conversation
7. Completing one of my goals
8. Sunshine
9. The Ocean
10. New experiences
11. Singing as loudly as possible
12. Helping someone to reach their goal
13. Crazy dancing
14. Iced Coffee
15. Reading a motivational quote or inspiring article.
16. Seeing a flower growing amongst the weeds.
17. A baby giggling
18. Children playing together
19. Praise
20. Cuddles
21. Kisses
22. Good Sex
23. A sunny but cold and crisp morning - the best kind of British weather in my opinion.
24. Going for a walk on a sunny but cold and crisp morning
25. Wine
26. Musicals
27. Looking at old photos
28. Reading a good book
29. Other people laughing
30. An unexpected letter or email.
31. A thoughtful letter or email.
32. When its raining outside and its OK to have a lazy day.
33. Meeting someone I feel a connection with.
34. Completing my 'to do' list at work.
35. Being on a boat.
36. Getting a seat on the train to work.
37. Finding money in my coat pocket that I'd forgotten was there.
38. Comments on this blog (so far).
39. When my flat is freshly tidied.
40. Planning an event big or small
41. Popping bubble wrap
42. Watching the sunrise
43. Watching the sunset
44. A decent cup of tea when I am cold.
45. Waking up to a nice text message.
46. Having my arm or face stroked
47. Being left a post it note with a cute message.
48. Watching a romantic comedy
49. Having a drink in a beer garden on a sunny day
50. Music with lyrics I can relate to
51. Walking bare foot on grass
52. Seeing old couples in love
53. Seeing random acts of kindness
54. Witnessing others reach a goal
55. Live music
56. Meditation
57. Making a difference to someone else e.g. charity event etc
58. Remembering the balance
59. Brightly coloured flowers
60. Watching an uplifting musical or film

I'll add things here as I find more daily things that make me happy. You are very welcome to share the 'common things' that make you happy here or maybe its just something to reflect on.

Gratitude

Here are some of the things am grateful for.

I am grateful that I have such a loving and supporting family
I am grateful that I have always had such a strong network of friends
I am grateful that I am able to tell my family and friends that I love them.
I am grateful that I have a career that I am passionate about.
I am grateful that I have a flat in an area I feel safe and happy in.
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to travel.
I am grateful for my education and that I have a 2:1 degree.
I am grateful that I am healthy.
I am grateful that I am loved.


"Most people are searching for happiness. They're looking for it. They are trying to find it in someone or something outside of themselves. That is a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think" - Wayne Dyer


"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things" - Henry Ward Beecher

Snowballs - 2001

A poem I wrote after a friends sister died in an toboggan accident during a skiing trip I was on.


Life throws something at her everyday, like a snowball
Mostly its soft snow, something to enjoy
But sometimes unexpectedly the snow is not snow
The snow is ice
It hits her hard, it hurts, its a shock
Like a slap across the face and an end to the fun..

But who can she blame?
How to react?
Should she lash out? Maybe throw one back?

But she cant

There is too much pain from the sting
She bathes the sting, the mark fades away
But somehow the snowballs are not so much fun anymore.

Landing - 2002

The day is mine, or is it?
I live for you, You live for you
That's not how its meant to be, you're meant to live for me.

You fall, I pick you up
I fall, I pick me up
I fell for you and you didn't catch me
I kept on falling...
but now I've landed.

Hard.

And it hurts.

Meeting Mysterg

I met Mysterg whilst travelling in NewZealand in February of this year. Some of you may have already read his account of our relationship on his wonderful blog 'Meditations In An Emergency', but if not you can read it at: http://meditations-in-an-emergency.blogspot.com/2010/02/girl-with-beautiful-curls.html Mysterg has welcomed a response from me so here it is.

I too first noticed Mysterg on my first night of tour. We were staying in a Marae and his bed (a matress and sleeping bag as all of ours were that night) was set up next to mine on the floor. I was instantly intrigued and felt a connection towards him. It wasn't until the following evening that we spoke properly for the first time over dinner and I also became quickly engrossed in our conversation, forgetting everyone else around. At this point I could not quite fathom Mysterg, I just knew I wanted to know more about him. I pride myself on being able to read and relate to people well but with Mysterg it went deeper.

Mysterg gives an accurate and beautiful account of the amount of time we spent together and the connection that was growing between us in his blog so I wont repeat this however I would like to try to explain our connection in my own way also.

"A Soulmate is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility...."

If this is the case then Mysterg is definitely one of my soulmates. I feel an unexplained connection to him and although our relationship is very new, for me it is already very deep. Mysterg is one of the most thoughtful and kindest people I have ever been lucky enough to meet and I trust him completely. We have both been very open with eachother from the start and I can only see our bond deepening over time. However, as strange as this may sound after describing him with such admiration and affection, I think Mysterg is my soulmate in a platonic sense. If there even is such a thing. I say this because I love being around him and miss him tons now that I am home and he is still on his travels, but it is not in a sexual (I want you right now) kind of way, which is probably a good thing considering he is not back for a year!

Although our boundaries have been somewhat blurred previously, I think we now have an unspoken understanding. I guess you never know what will happen as only time will tell, but for now my only hope is that Mysterg and I stay in touch whilst he continues with his many adventures because he really has made a positive impact on my life and I am excited to catch up with him when he gets home.

Motivational Songs

My feel good cheesy inspirational songs:

Stronger - Sugababes
When you believe - Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston
Greatest love of all - Whitney Houston
The Voice within - Christina Aguilera
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
Step by Step - Whitney Houston
The Climb - Miley Cyrus
Proud - Heather Small
I didn't know my own strength - Whitney Houston

Ok, ok - I didn't say they were the best music wise and I obviously love a bit of Whitney but please dont hold that against me!

More added September 2011

Don't Stop - Fleetwood Mac
Defying Gravity - From Wicked the Musical
Hold on - Wilson Phillips

My List

A few years ago after discovering 'The Secret' (http://www.thesecret.tv/) prompting my journey of self discovery and interest in personal development I decided to write a list of things I wanted to achieve in my life. I thought I'd share these goals with you as it will not only help me to refocus but also hopefully encourage others to write their own list and achieve their dreams.

I've highlighted in red the ones that I have completed.

1. To live in my own place in 'x'
2. To own a house in x
3. To be promoted at work
4. To be close to my family always
5. To buy a holiday home for my family
6. To go to Canada
7. To Skydive
8. To go to Sydney
9. To go to Melbourne
10. To have a happy marriage
11. To have children
12. To have something published
13. To visit the grand canyon
14. To go on a retreat
15. To tolerate being near animals
16. To drive confidently
17. To be in a musical
18. To learn to play an instrument
19. To learn another language
20. To earn £100,000 per year
21. To give a seminar
22. To climb a mountain
23. To scuba dive in the great barrier reef
24. To help build something in a third world country
25. To go on a road trip
26. To go on a sailing boat
27. To own my own boat
28. To become the UK manager for my department by 30
29. To live abroad for a period of time
30. Raise money for charity
31. To have a carefree weekend in Vegas
32. To write a song and sing it
33. To capture beauty in a picture
34. To go to NewZealand
35. To run a race
36. To grow my nails
37. To learn a dance e.g. Ballroom or Salsa
38. To host a dinner party
39. To have my own swimming pool
40. To adopt a child in need
41. To marry someone who is my best friend and soulmate
42. To make a difference to someone
43. To take a pottery class
44. To have frequent holidays
45. To have lots of positive energy

Added from March 2010:

1. To do a road trip between Vegas, LA and SanFran
2. To go to South America

Added from May 2013:

1. To visit every continent 
2. To own a house with a granny annex 
3. To have some written work published for the general public
4. To share self help/positivity knowledge gained with others in a public forum i.e. book, class etc

I'd be really interested to read other peoples lists as I'm always looking for new inspiration. If you have any goals that you would be happy to share then please do.

The First Cut Is The Deepest.

I am writing about my first and deepest cut in one of my first blogs because 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' has been an important part of my life and my experiences with him have made me who I am today.

I met 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' about 10 years ago when I was back in high school. He was the guy that all the boys wanted to be and all of the girls wanted to date. And then he asked me out. We spent a lot of time together and we quickly as teenagers do, fell in love.

However the simplicity of our relationship at the beginning was not to last. There were a lot of happy times but we also faced a lot of issues together that neither of us should have witnessed at such a young age. This including my mothers mental health problems, him being stabbed and attacked in his bedroom whilst he slept and his mother getting increasingly unwell. We were there for eachother 100% through all of this but in hindsight it was probably these things that prolonged our relationship which maybe otherwise would've fizzled out as teenage romances often do.

However, 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' and I were not to fizzle as we maybe should have and ended up in and on/off relationship for about 8 years. I wouldn't say he was my boyfriend in the traditional sense this entire time but through everything he had become a crazy combination of boyfriend, best friend and lover and I was completely and helplessly in love with him. To me he was everything.

'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' could make me feel happiness like I'd never felt it but also was the person who could hurt me most in the world. There was never any doubt in my mind that 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' loved me, that was always very clear. However, we were both young and when it came to it he just didn't love me enough.

When I left for university I tried to move on and for a while this worked. I even managed to fall in love with 'The one that got away?' (more on him in another post) and refrained from the charm of 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' to go out with this person. However, 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' was always there in the background and things came to a head when his Mother sadly passed away. I was drawn to 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' as he needed me and every other aspect of my life, including 'The one that got away?' was unfairly put second. Of course this took toll on my relationship with 'The one that got away?' and it sadly ended in large part because of this.

I again started spending a lot of time with 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong'. Our love was stronger than ever and the intensity deepened because of the grief that he was going through and that we were sharing. Things changed a year later however when I had some upsetting family news. 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' said that he couldn't handle my problems as well as his own and basically cut himself of for the next 6 months.

Those 6 months were a dark time for me. Not only was I dealing with my family news, but I was also doing it without him. I was devastated that I had always been there for him but in one of the hardest times in my life he could not support me. I was however still in love with him and even started to welcome him back when he returned to my life but I knew something in me had changed. I was stronger and wanted more.

The final straw was when I received a phone call from someone claiming to be 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong's' girlfriend and giving me grief about my relationship with him. I was now in my early 20's and did not want to be dealing with this kind of high school drama. This coupled with the earlier abandonment led me to end things with 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong'. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I was a wreak. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' tried to contact me several and apologies for everything but it was too late. I was drained from the relationship and the hurt and could not give any more energy to it. Suddenly the calls stopped and I later found out this was because he had got someone pregnant.

I had been doing ok at trying to move on but the news of 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' becoming a father devastated me and set me back by 6 months. Although he had hurt me, I was still in love with him and was gutted that he didn't even try to tell me this himself and banished all hopes I have of us ever starting a family together.

I wasn't able to hear his name or even think about him without crying for about 2.5 years. The thought that I may bump into him made me feel sick to my core and would send me into panic. Those 2.5 years did however allow me time to refocus on what I wanted. My life had been so centered around 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' for 8 years that I didn't even know who I was without him. It was a difficult road and I missed 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' greatly but knew my new life could not include him if I wanted us both to be happy.

To be able to write about my relationship with 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' with perspective is a release in itself. A part of me will always love 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' because he taught me alot, we went through a lot together and he made me feel things that I wouldn't have felt without him. However, I am happier now without the drama of our relationship and know that we live in totally different worlds. The first cut may be the deepest but in time it heals.

More than Words

Some of my favourite quotes:

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Writer

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - Les Brown, author

"Obstacles dont have to stop you. If you run into a wall, dont turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it or work around it" - Michael Jordan

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail" - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Writer

"Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine" - Mario Fernandez, author