The First Cut Is The Deepest.

I am writing about my first and deepest cut in one of my first blogs because 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' has been an important part of my life and my experiences with him have made me who I am today.

I met 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' about 10 years ago when I was back in high school. He was the guy that all the boys wanted to be and all of the girls wanted to date. And then he asked me out. We spent a lot of time together and we quickly as teenagers do, fell in love.

However the simplicity of our relationship at the beginning was not to last. There were a lot of happy times but we also faced a lot of issues together that neither of us should have witnessed at such a young age. This including my mothers mental health problems, him being stabbed and attacked in his bedroom whilst he slept and his mother getting increasingly unwell. We were there for eachother 100% through all of this but in hindsight it was probably these things that prolonged our relationship which maybe otherwise would've fizzled out as teenage romances often do.

However, 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' and I were not to fizzle as we maybe should have and ended up in and on/off relationship for about 8 years. I wouldn't say he was my boyfriend in the traditional sense this entire time but through everything he had become a crazy combination of boyfriend, best friend and lover and I was completely and helplessly in love with him. To me he was everything.

'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' could make me feel happiness like I'd never felt it but also was the person who could hurt me most in the world. There was never any doubt in my mind that 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' loved me, that was always very clear. However, we were both young and when it came to it he just didn't love me enough.

When I left for university I tried to move on and for a while this worked. I even managed to fall in love with 'The one that got away?' (more on him in another post) and refrained from the charm of 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' to go out with this person. However, 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' was always there in the background and things came to a head when his Mother sadly passed away. I was drawn to 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' as he needed me and every other aspect of my life, including 'The one that got away?' was unfairly put second. Of course this took toll on my relationship with 'The one that got away?' and it sadly ended in large part because of this.

I again started spending a lot of time with 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong'. Our love was stronger than ever and the intensity deepened because of the grief that he was going through and that we were sharing. Things changed a year later however when I had some upsetting family news. 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' said that he couldn't handle my problems as well as his own and basically cut himself of for the next 6 months.

Those 6 months were a dark time for me. Not only was I dealing with my family news, but I was also doing it without him. I was devastated that I had always been there for him but in one of the hardest times in my life he could not support me. I was however still in love with him and even started to welcome him back when he returned to my life but I knew something in me had changed. I was stronger and wanted more.

The final straw was when I received a phone call from someone claiming to be 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong's' girlfriend and giving me grief about my relationship with him. I was now in my early 20's and did not want to be dealing with this kind of high school drama. This coupled with the earlier abandonment led me to end things with 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong'. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I was a wreak. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' tried to contact me several and apologies for everything but it was too late. I was drained from the relationship and the hurt and could not give any more energy to it. Suddenly the calls stopped and I later found out this was because he had got someone pregnant.

I had been doing ok at trying to move on but the news of 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' becoming a father devastated me and set me back by 6 months. Although he had hurt me, I was still in love with him and was gutted that he didn't even try to tell me this himself and banished all hopes I have of us ever starting a family together.

I wasn't able to hear his name or even think about him without crying for about 2.5 years. The thought that I may bump into him made me feel sick to my core and would send me into panic. Those 2.5 years did however allow me time to refocus on what I wanted. My life had been so centered around 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' for 8 years that I didn't even know who I was without him. It was a difficult road and I missed 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' greatly but knew my new life could not include him if I wanted us both to be happy.

To be able to write about my relationship with 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' with perspective is a release in itself. A part of me will always love 'Mr oh so right but oh so wrong' because he taught me alot, we went through a lot together and he made me feel things that I wouldn't have felt without him. However, I am happier now without the drama of our relationship and know that we live in totally different worlds. The first cut may be the deepest but in time it heals.